Horror week of non-training

Last Sunday, I was elated.

I'd run 30km - further than I've ever been on foot before; and I wasn't even particularly sore.

I felt great.

Right up until 9.21pm on Tuesday, when I got a text from my son's father to say that his Russian girlfriend was arriving two days later and would be moving in with him. I've been expecting it of course (we've been separated for over 18mths), but I didn't expect to have just two days notice.

I'm not bothered about him moving on and not jealous about them being together. I wish him well and hope they are happy. But it is complicated when there is a child involved.

William's father thinks I should trust his judgement and release my 2.5 year old son into the care of someone I don't know for weekend visits. I have a lot of well-founded reasons for being concerned about his judgement.

I don't want to go into the details here. Let's just say that we fundamentally disagree on when and how children should be introduced to new partners.

I had my last 5 weeks of training mapped out to the day. I was so pleased with myself for getting this far without needing time off for injuries. I didn't see this coming, although I probably should have. Suddenly, everything was thrown up in the air. It looked like my weekend long runs would be history and potentially I would have to pull out of the event because I would need to be here to look after my son.

Things really did look bleak for a while.

Thankfully, I did not smoke a cigarette. Phew!

But I did no runs last week.

I drank more wine than I'm used to, now that my body's a temple!?!?!

I ate cake, chocolate, biscuits .... anything sweet that I could get my hands on.

All of which just made me feel worse and worse.

I discussed the matter endlessly with friends, professionals, relatives. By Friday afternoon, I really was in a desperate hole. Really not the kind of hole I want to feel myself in again.

And then suddenly, just before bedtime, the final answer came to me and it was like a weight lifted and I could finally get up off the floor, and shake off the virtual kicking I'd been taking for years.

I spent yesterday settling into my new ideas and got up this morning ready for my first run in a week. I only did 8kms, but it was a really really good 8km. Not fast or anything, but strong and confident, and deeply pleasurable.

There's no more wine and no more chocolate in the house. Mum has volunteered to stay and look after my son rather than coming to watch me in Berlin. I'll move work around a bit so that I do my long runs mid week. I'll get a bit of extra help in from friends and family at the weekends in particular.

I will do the best I can for my son. I have lots of options. I won't be backed into a corner and forced into a course of action I am deeply uncomfortable with. I will set and hold boundaries and keep control over my life.

Everything's going to be fine.

Reclaiming my body, reclaiming myself

It occurred to me the other day when I was on my long slow run that for the first time since being in my early teens I actually felt like my body was my own again.

Running and training for the Berlin Marathon was putting me back in control of my physical being, in a way that I remember being as a kid. The freedom of tearing around on a bike or on roller-skates or in the swimming pool or on a ski slope used to give me such euphoric pleasure.

Boys, cigarettes, cake and wine (in that order I think) were my undoing. From that point at around 13 until last weekend, I had really lost myself. On many levels I'd given myself away. Lost myself in throwaway moments of no long term value to anyone.

Life's pretty tricky at the moment, but running's helping me through it.

And if I can regain that blissful physical freedom I remember from my pre-teen years, I think I may well fly.

The poor woman's mid-life crisis? Endurance sports!

Eight months ago, I couldn't run for a bus.

Two days ago, I ran a 30km (18.5mile) training run in preparation for the 2014 Berlin Marathon, which takes place on 28th September in less than 5 weeks.

Along the way I've ....

• Stopped smoking 
• Cut back dramatically on the wine
• And the cake
• Lost 20lbs
• Fixed my post baby body
• Repaired an old back injury (tipsy topple down the stairs of a double decker bus)
• Made new friends
• Built self-esteem and a greater sense of possibility and accomplishment
• Gained the strength and energy to be an active and involved 43 year old mum to a very active and energetic 2 year old

I'm still 20lbs overweight and my running pace is slow slow slow. I don't look pretty when I run, but I sure look happy and I get to the finish line in my own good time. 

One of the reasons I've got this far, I am sure, is that I have always included walk breaks in my runs. From the beginning, I used the couch to 5km iphone app to get me going. At the start, running for 30 seconds felt like climbing a mountain.

When the app pushed forward to running all the way, I stopped using it. Put simply, I needed those walk breaks and I quickly settled in to running 8 minutes and walking 2 minutes. It felt comfortable and I was convinced that it would only be a matter of time before I could ditch my walk breaks altogether.

Then I discovered Jeff Galloway's book "Marathon: You Can Do It". Based on my pace, Jeff was telling me that I should be running 3 minutes and walking 1 minute - what a result. He was also telling me that it was a perfectly fine strategy for completing a marathon. Being a bit of a geek, I ran the numbers on a spreadsheet and sure enough, those 1 minute walk breaks would make very little difference to my overall time.

What a result!

And that's what I've been doing ever since. All the way to 30km. Whoop whoop!!

So much of this running stuff really is in your head, it turns out, and Jeff lays out strategies for that too. Of course, something else may work better for you. We are all so different physiologically and mentally. But my point is, that if a really overweight and really quite sad person like me as I was can do it, then it has to be achievable for so many other folks too.

The one thing that has supported me all along the way (apart from family and friends of course) has been an underlying belief that I could do this. One of the foundations for that belief was laid by supporting other people at endurance events. Seeing the participants of all ages, shapes an sizes finishing events that sometimes lasted 15 hours, really gave me the sense that with committed training I could complete a marathon. 

Once I had decided that I was going to run the Berlin Marathon in 2014, I had to act. I gave up smoking just like that after 30 years. It turns out, that I had just needed to find something that I wanted to do more than smoke. And something that I wanted to do more than drink buckets of wine. And something that I wanted to do more than eat cake for breakfast. And at the beginning, taking control of those things felt really easy compared with the prospect of running 26.2 miles. 

Squeezing in the training has been tricky at times. I'm a single mum and self-employed full time in the headhunting sector, so there's not a lot of free time in my days. But it has so been worth it and I hope that one day I'll be running races with my son. Hopefully, I'll be a little bit quicker by then, but I actually think I'll get more of a buzz out of running further. Every time I run further than I've run before, it just blows my mind and my recent half marathon at Kimbolton Castle was one of the best days of my life so far.

Or maybe I'll swim the channel.

As someone said to me recently ... "ah yes endurance sports ... the poor man's mid-life crisis".

That may well be so, but I feel better, stronger and more alive than I've felt for 30 years, and I'm planning on feeling even better next year. 

The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting by Brené Brown

Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. She is highly regarded internationally for her research into vulnerability and shame.

In The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting: Raising Children with Courage, Compassion and Connection, Brené outlines how our mistakes actually contribute positively to our kids' development, well-being and sense of place in the world . Brené summarises it like this "It's actually our ability to embrace imperfection that will help us teach our children to have the courage to be authentic, the compassion to love themselves and others, and the sense of connection that gives true purpose and meaning to life." This is the wholehearted life.

According to Brené, it is impossible for us to "give" our children what we do not have ourselves. So if we want our kids to live a wholehearted life, we must first be doing so ourselves. To those of you that are already living the wholehearted dream - "you're amazing" (and you kind of already but humbly probably know it) - to the rest of us "you're amazing" (you just don't feel it yet). Here are Brené's 10 pointers for wholehearted living which are actually taken from her most recent book Daring Greatly:

1) Cultivate authenticity and let go of worrying about what people think

2) Cultivate self-compassion and let go of perfectionism

3) Cultivate resilience and let go of powerlessness

4) Cultivate gratitude and joy and let go of scarcity and fear

5) Cultivate intuition and trusting faith and let go of the need for certainty

6) Cultivate creativity and let go of comparison

7) Cultivate play and rest and let go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth

8) Cultivate calm and stillness and let go of anxiety as lifestyle

9) Cultivate meaningful work and let go of self-doubt and supposed to

10) Cultivate laughter, song and dance and let go of being cool and always in control

You'll get a much better idea of what she's all about from her TED talks like this one on vulnerability

If you can make the time, I thoroughly recommend reading / listening to any of her work.

What am I thinking?

It often depends on what I've been reading.

So, I've added a new page ... Inspiration ... where you can find quick summaries and useful links to author's blogs, TED talks, book reviews etc.

Over the last couple of years I've read and listened to a lot of books on my quest to understand the workings of the world better. If I enjoyed them, I'll be including them. I  might even throw some of my favorite craft books in for good measure!

It's a bit sparse at the moment, but I'll keep adding to it.

The kindness of strangers

A heartfelt thank you to knitnrun4sanity for her lovely message.

It got me thinking about the importance of connection and the tremendous impact that people can have on you consciously and subconsciously.

I hadn't really given it much thought until now, but it's partly down to her posts about running, that I've got off the couch and am training for the Berlin Marathon in September. Thanks for that too!

Love in the air

Shortly after the fly past over the Halton Grove memorial garden at the National Arboretum, as Lord Trenchard was speaking about RAF Halton and the apprentices and unveiling the information board in memory of dad, this heart appeared in the sky

Crochet Happy!

Can happiness be found through crafting? Can crafting, in particular knitting and crochet improve well-being? A group of psychologists has been exploring whether crafts such as knitting (including crochet) and cross-stitch can help with pain management and recovery from depression. Much of the evidence so far appears to be anecdotal, but studies are underway that hope to demonstrate the physical and psychological benefits of these crafts.

If you're interested in knowing more about crochet and knitting and how they may be used to manage pain and recover from depression, have a look at Stitchlinks, which is run by Betsan Corkhill. This is the opening text from the Welcome Page, which sums up what they are doing far better than I ever could:

"Stitchlinks is pioneering an exciting approach to healthcare which could have global implications and a massive, positive impact on wellbeing.

We are at the core of groundbreaking research, and a movement which utilises crafts, in particular knitting, to improve wellbeing. Stitchlinks is the central hub of this innovative work where you'll find a direct link to the researchers and accurate, up-to-date information.

Our mission is to use knitting and other activities to improve wellbeing generally, but also to complement medical treatments in the self-management of long-term illness. We are working closely with academics and clinicians, and as a direct result, therapeutic knitting and therapeutic knitting groups are being formally acknowledged by leading clinicians and academics for their benefits in mainstream healthcare."

I'm going to keep posting on this subject when more information is available, simply because I instinctively believe there is a connection, based on my own experiences. There is great value in doing something to take your mind off whatever might be bothering you. And why not create something beautiful (or not, it doesn't matter!!) at the same time.

WorkMad - brilliant positive psychology at work

For anyone interested in how organisations might best motivate and engage their professional workforce during times of change, WorkMad provides a suite of consulting, coaching and training services designed to improve employee well-being and resilience, particularly when the going gets tough. I can think of a whole host of my old clients that would benefit from adopting a strengths-based approach!

The site also has a useful introduction to Positive Psychology generally, highlighting the key ideas without drowning the reader. It's run by Bridget Grenville-Cleave. Bridget has an MSc in Applied Positive Psychology at the University of East London – the first qualification of its kind in Europe. The specialises in the well-being of organisations and professionals. Bridget is also a founder member of the International Positive Psychology Association and writes a regular column for the online journal, Positive Psychology News Daily. She is also a Fellow of the Association of Chartered Certified Accountants, MBA (Open), and a member of the Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development.

Pathway to feeling good

Can it be found through crafting? A group of psychologists has been exploring whether crafts such as knitting (including crochet) and cross-stitch can help with pain management and recovery from depression. Much of the evidence so far appears to be anecdotal, but studies are underway that hope to demonstrate the physical and psychological benefits of these crafts.

In the meantime Stitchlinks, which is run by Betsan Corkhill. This is the opening text from the Welcome Page, which sums up what they are doing far better than I ever could:

"Stitchlinks is pioneering an exciting approach to healthcare which could have global implications and a massive, positive impact on wellbeing.

We are at the core of groundbreaking research, and a movement which utilises crafts, in particular knitting, to improve wellbeing. Stitchlinks is the central hub of this innovative work where you'll find a direct link to the researchers and accurate, up-to-date information.

Our mission is to use knitting and other activities to improve wellbeing generally, but also to complement medical treatments in the self-management of long-term illness. We are working closely with academics and clinicians, and as a direct result, therapeutic knitting and therapeutic knitting groups are being formally acknowledged by leading clinicians and academics for their benefits in mainstream healthcare."

When the givers are taken

It's been impossible for me this last week, watching the news about the death of Claire Squires while running the London Marathon, not to think of Dad. Two years ago this August, he died while swimming in the London Triathlon. He wasn't even supposed to be competing that day; he was signed up for the individual event the following day. The company had put a team together, encouraged by Dad, and it was they who were taking part on the Saturday. When the colleague who was due to tackle the swim leg was injured, Dad immediately stepped in. What happened once he was in the water, noone has really been able to tell us. We know that it took a good few minutes to get him out of the water once he'd been spotted face down. We know that the medical team on site worked unbelievably hard to bring him back; and they did in fact get his heart beating again. But he'd been without a heartbeat and circulating oxygen for at least 5 minutes and when we reached him in hospital, the medical staff tried so delicately to tell us there was no hope, but that they would do what they could. Three days later, on Mum and Dad's wedding anniversary, the doctors took the decision to turn off the life support machines. Don't ask me what killed him - we still really don't know. My best guess from the autopsy report and the doctors reports at the time was that heat exhaustion was the starting point for what went wrong that day. 

There was little publicity when Dad died. The South Yorkshire Times ran the story of this local lad done well, but the Triathlon organisers struggled to even acknowledge his death. There was no public rush to make donations to Dad's charity of choice, although family, friends and colleagues all contributed generously in his name. Watching the growing total of Claire Squires' Just Giving page had me wondering though ... "was Dad any less loved or admired than Claire?"

I think the answer is that to those who knew and loved Dad and Claire, the loss is unquantifiable and incomparable. And each and every day, hundreds of people give their lives in the service of others without any expectation of thanks or commemoration. That so many strangers have chosen to donate on Claire's page, shows me how much our society really does appreciate the contributions made by the givers and how sad it makes us all when they are taken.

On behalf of all of us, I would like to thank those who supported Dad's charitable endeavours. Mum has always hoped that we might take his initial fund-raising target from £500 to £5,000. We are only a little way off that final target. If you would like to help us reach it, please visit http://www.justgiving.com/ian-sloss, or watch out for details of my up-coming sponsored crochet (yes, I realise it isn't particularly sporty, but it would have made Dad laugh I'm sure!)